Date: 4/1/17 6:00 pm
From: EASTMAN, CAROLINE <EASTMAN...>
Subject: New collection of bird tweets
A new collection of bird tweets has been discovered and is currently under investigation. It appears that the birds are upset about habitat destruction and climate change and are taking steps to protect themselves. Based upon an analysis of a few of these tweets, the following activities intended to influence humans [aka us] are anticipated.

The woodpeckers are especially concerned with habitat destruction and excessive logging. They are aware that Ivory-billed Woodpeckers are of particular interest to humans. An elite group of Pileated Woodpeckers has been recruited to paint their bills white and make brief elusive flybys in selected Southern Swamps. They hope that sightings of possible Ivory-billed Woodpeckers will result in more habitat preservation. Birders should carefully examine any large woodpeckers seen in the south before posting to eBird.

All bird species are concerned with the increased incidence of climate change denial [CCD] in humans. Although they realize that factual data, including alternative facts, will have no impact on those suffering from CCD, they have decided to wage a campaign of harassment. A Pigeon Poop Patrol has been sent to Washington DC. It may be deployed to additional locations later. MAGA hats may provide some protection to those under attack.

It should be noted that this summary is preliminary and based upon only a small fraction of the tweets discovered. Additional actions are likely. Results of further analysis will be posted as they become available, possibly next year.

Caroline Eastman
Columbia, SC
April 1, 2017



 
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